"Once again I said my goodbyes to those I love most. My heart feels that familiar pain as I long for home. 'Cause this road is hard, when I feel so far. And God I'm crying out tonight, 'cause I'm giving you my life, but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind, so once more, here's my life."
Goodbyes are never easy. As a TCK and MK, I have said a lot of them. I said goodbyes when my family uprooted from Virginia. Over the next eight years, I said goodbye to all of my friends who came into my life. There was Grace, who moved to Rwanda, then came back to Uganda, but I only saw her every once in a while. Others came and left... eventually it was easier to just isolate myself a little bit... To stop feeling the hurt of saying goodbye. I remember when I said goodbye to a friend in tenth grade and I cried a few tears. After that, I swore to myself that I would not cry about saying goodbyes. So I bottled it up. Until Cariel came into my life, and then within a few months I had to say a permanent goodbye to someone who had become one of the best friends I had ever had.
I cried that night.
Then just under a year ago, the ultimate heart break came: leaving Uganda. I was more aware of leaving Uganda than leaving the US. As my dad put it, it was like "tearing": I had these bonds and they were not meant to be ripped away so casually. Of course it hurt.
The goodbye process in Uganda was about six months of heart break. From saying goodbye to one of my closest Ugandan friends, Bridget, to leaving my youth group, it hurt. I remember all of the farewells we went through... my dad's staff, our Uganda Christian University friends, everyone. I want to honor four of these good byes.
Bridget: she doesn't have access to internet, so she will never know how often I think of her and her smile. She lit up my life for 8 years. Even when she was in boarding school I counted months until I would hear my mom say "Bridget should be coming home this weekend". Now I'm the one who is gone. I will always miss her.
Abi: what can I say about our hyperness? We were hysterical together. We never really said goodbye. It was too hard of a thing. And thankfully we can stay in touch through skype (we talked for an hour today!) and it is such a relief. But as close as we can feel, she is in a different country, leading a different life. It makes me sad for her to be in England and for me to be here. We can't be hyper together anymore.
Beatrice: our lovely house helper. We had a love-hate relationship at first, but I hold on to all of the memories of our water fights and us yelling out to my mom that we were "beating" each other. I talked to her in October, and we just sobbed on opposite sides of the world as she pleaded with me to come home. Ouch. I love her and miss her, but with no connection to internet, she will never know that either.
Olivia: my trusted big sister. She was there for everything. I was crushed when it was time to say goodbye to her... BUT little did I know that this amazing person was going to move to South Africa and have good internet! We video call each other every few weeks now. It hurt to be ripped away from her, but I can always count on her advice!
So now here I am, ripped away. It feels like everyone I said goodbye to (including everyone in my youth group!) has a little piece of me. I feel pretty disjointed.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and God is faithful. I feel like Job: everything gets torn away and time is spent mourning, but then God reveals his power, and rebuilds. I am getting involved with the youth at my new church, and after meeting them once I can't believe what joy they brought me! I've got several good friends, and a special friend. I feel like a quilt, as I take little pieces of all of them and patch up all of my holes with them.
I know more goodbyes will come, but for now, I mourn the ones I said and celebrate my new joys.
The mourning lasts a night-time but joy comes with the morning.
In Christ and in memory of all of my friends I have lost, God Bless!
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