Godrenaline Junkie

“God loves us just as much when we are doing normal, boring things as opposed to having a great adventure”.

I wish that I could say that I believed that, but I don’t know.

As a Missionary Kid, life was always an adventure. I never had to depend on God for the small things, because nothing felt small. While my friends in the US had the stomach flu, I had a trio of typhoid, another parasite, and a staph infection that made me septic.

I guess I got used to the big things. I got used to depending on God for all money, because without Him, we wouldn’t have donors, and without donors, we wouldn’t have any money.

It was like a crazy roller-coaster-bungee-jump-rafting adventure. There is so much adrenaline when you are dealing with perilous traffic and political instability and sickness that life never feels dull.

After finishing up my time as an overseas MK, my adrenaline craze continued.

I returned to the US, which was a massive transition. I learned a whole country again—well, at least I learned some things.

After my crazy freshman year, I jumped into the fire head first again: I became a youth leader at a struggling church. Once again, I depended on ministry for money, and for excitement. I found myself an my knees constantly again, because the ministry demanded it.

That’s great—until it’s a problem.

When you constantly get used to the idea that life is an adventure, it makes it hard to think of life as anything but that. So, when life starts to settle down, it’s depressing.

I don’t know how to find God in things that aren’t threatening me, or at least giving a massive sense of need. I don’t know what to say to God when I don’t feel like anything I’m doing is important, or like He should care about it.

If life is only about insane adventures, the adrenaline becomes like a drug. I find that I get used to it, that I need more and more of it in order to feel like I have something worthwhile. I hope that I don’t have to live insanely in order to be worth something, but I don’t know if I trust that.

It’s something I need to work on. Life isn’t just about the crazy things. It’s easy to forget that though. After all, I have to wonder if I’m only as good as the next grand adventure. Without that, I don’t know how to find worth in my life.

Polar ice caps: what home means to me

Sometimes the concept of “home” feels like the polar ice caps: I am told that it exists, and yet I cannot comprehend it until it begins to melt and flood my world. At other times it is a whole set of little things that begin to make me feel like I can believe in this concept.

When I went to the mattress store looking for something cheap, the sales woman barely contained her laughter at my immediate comfort on a foam bunk bed mattress. This seven inch piece of high quality foam immediately made me feel at ease. I suddenly felt… at home. I bought Sleep Country’s cheapest mattress and a box spring off the floor. I have not felt more at home since returning to the US.

It might sound silly that a mattress could do this. I spent 8 years sleeping on a five inch slab of foam over some wooden slats. I never realized how comfortable this was until I returned to the US and slept on some bad spring mattresses.

Finally finding myself sleeping on a hunk of foam again reminded me of some of the best times in Uganda. As I turned over, I was transported back to the Kingfisher lodge, where I slept on their glorious king size foam beds. I actually reached out to touch the mosquito net in my half-awake state, only to realize that we don’t have malaria here.

As soon as I got up this morning and turned on my computer, my Skype went off with a call from my “Uncle” Peter. Also known as Mr. Nagler, my high school Biology teacher, he makes my week when he calls me. Hearing from him was delightful and reminded me of all of the best things about Uganda.

Later, I walked back into my room. It finally struck me that the noise I had heard all morning was, in fact, a rooster crowing. While this seems unremarkable in a way, it is a sound that I have not heard since I moved. I realized that this sound woke me this morning. I don’t know how to put into words what this sound did for my mind… I guess the closest thing I can say is that it made me feel like myself again.

This all sounds fairly trivial when I try to put words to it. I don’t have the words that I need to describe the feeling of ease and joy that a rooster’s crow instills. I don’t know how to say that I laughed talking to Peter like I rarely laugh… full of ebullience. I don’t know how to say that a foam mattress causes me to realize that I am not an estranged lump of this world, but am instead an integral—while different—feature.

Little tastes of a life once lived can make you feel ecstatic, relaxed, and peaceful. In this strange place, I find myself realizing that I can settle down at some point. And so, I have hope.

Speed Locked Watchtowers

After a challenging few days, I am sitting down going through my recent photography attempts with my new--and extremely awesome--camera. These are some reflections and pictures to go along with them.


It's amazing the speed that life goes along with. I feel like we keep going and going, and then suddenly there is a warp-speed turn. We get a little whip-lash and hit in the face by some spray, or low hanging branches, or whatever is in the way. But it doesn't take the joy out of the ride!

We all have times of questioning and doubt. Is God there? Does He love me? I look at this and think of how we are locked into God's beautiful love for us, while he provides the awesome stability of the snowy mountains in the background.

And finally, we all watch out for each other. If I ever questioned this, the pure amount of loving kindness shown to me in the last few days has been more than enough to prove it. Maybe we take turns hanging out in the well-loved, age-old watchtower, looking out over the ocean for strays.

P.S. I'm really trying to learn the photography thing, especially in combination with a few words to communicate something. If you have suggestions, please do share!